Kaiser Staycation

I was wheeled to my hospital room as soon as my vitals looked good again. They were keeping me two nights for pain management. I was not going to argue with that decision and was looking forward to my Kaiser staycation. Instead of margaritas and sunshine, I was getting morpheme and saline. Pretty much the same thing. Plus Tony was going out of town for training and I had an army of nurses taking care of me there so it was a win for me.

Being my first hospital stay, I learned a lot really quick. #1 Be really nice to the lady that answers when you push the button that looks like a toilet. When you gotta go, you want someone there quick so you don't have to use the bedpan. #2 Flirt with the food guy; he'll hook you up with an extra sprite. #3 Although the hospital gown makes your ass look super hot, remember to tie it while waiting for toilet button lady. I am positive the nurses, my roomie Mary, the neighbors, visitors, and workers were tired of looking at said hot ass. #4 Be nice to the nurses. They literally control your pain and poop destiny. #5 Code blue is scary, code red means fire, code pink means missing baby.

I am so thankful to all of the staff at Kaiser. They were so caring, helpful, and understanding of what I was going through. I also had a wonderful lady named Mary that was sharing my room. She was one if the most positive people I've met. Because she had pancreatitis she was unable to eat the three days I was there. Every time I received a meal, she would ask me to describe what I was eating so she could pretend. It was sad, but also hilarious considering I was describing hospital food to her. Trust me, she didn't miss anything and the descriptions were like: "plain rubbery chicken" "over salted mushy green beans from a can" "carrots that taste like tuna". It was nice to hear her laugh. Literally the best thing I had to eat was saltine crackers and a sprite. I was thankful I wasn't hungry and thankful I could entertain Mary.

I hope I have the same staff next week when I return for surgery. I also hope I'm not hungry again too.