I am back! Today I felt nothing.
It’s been awhile since I’ve posted on here.
When I was in recovery from my ankle injury, this blog was a major source of healing for me. A place where I could write what I was feeling and let go of all the emotions I went through. A place where the voice in my head came to life via my keyboard, and told the story of the biggest shift in my life and where I transmuted anger for my accident into gratitude for it. A place where I healed my soul while healing my ankle and where I learned life was happening for me and not to me.
So I’m back, writing again in this place I felt so safe before, during another major shift in my life, a major shift in all our lives. I am here once again to heal and to find gratitude for what has turned all of our lives inside out. I am here to once again to let go of fear and lean into hope.
This time there won’t be copious amounts of narcotic induced ramblings- at least not yet. And just like last time, there will be raw feelings expressed, self realizations shared, and breakthroughs into who I am rising to be found- who we are all rising up to be.
But today, I felt mostly nothing. Well most of the day anyways. When I did feel something, it was only me trying to figure out if I was just dreaming all this up. Numbness and a lot of disassociating- a word I have only recently come to know and understand that is my trauma response. I am sure my somatic healing therapist would be concerned for my nervous system, but, to my defense, it’s been a rough week and I am aware of it. Little steps, little steps.
The one thing I do know from experiencing trauma, these feelings, or lack of feelings, are not forever. In fact, just writing this out here is helping me to feel again. I do believe this will be a time of collective healing for us and for the earth. A time to slow down and really find what is important to us. A time to just be and be ok with that. A time where we stop accepting the things that are not for our highest good. It may be painful at first, but from experience, I know pain never lasts forever.
When I was in recovery from my ankle injury, this blog was a major source of healing for me. A place where I could write what I was feeling and let go of all the emotions I went through. A place where the voice in my head came to life via my keyboard, and told the story of the biggest shift in my life and where I transmuted anger for my accident into gratitude for it. A place where I healed my soul while healing my ankle and where I learned life was happening for me and not to me.
So I’m back, writing again in this place I felt so safe before, during another major shift in my life, a major shift in all our lives. I am here once again to heal and to find gratitude for what has turned all of our lives inside out. I am here to once again to let go of fear and lean into hope.
This time there won’t be copious amounts of narcotic induced ramblings- at least not yet. And just like last time, there will be raw feelings expressed, self realizations shared, and breakthroughs into who I am rising to be found- who we are all rising up to be.
But today, I felt mostly nothing. Well most of the day anyways. When I did feel something, it was only me trying to figure out if I was just dreaming all this up. Numbness and a lot of disassociating- a word I have only recently come to know and understand that is my trauma response. I am sure my somatic healing therapist would be concerned for my nervous system, but, to my defense, it’s been a rough week and I am aware of it. Little steps, little steps.
The one thing I do know from experiencing trauma, these feelings, or lack of feelings, are not forever. In fact, just writing this out here is helping me to feel again. I do believe this will be a time of collective healing for us and for the earth. A time to slow down and really find what is important to us. A time to just be and be ok with that. A time where we stop accepting the things that are not for our highest good. It may be painful at first, but from experience, I know pain never lasts forever.
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