The Grace of Rest & Ram Dass

 

Today was the first time I decided to turn on the tv since I got home from the hospital three weeks ago tomorrow. I have only turned our tv on a handful of times in the last few years as I really don’t watch it, but it’s raining, and I didn’t feel like reading, and I was hoping I could find a good documentary to curl up with my pups and watch. As I scrolled through Netflix, Ram Dass’s documentary, Going Home, caught my eye. The description sounded perfect— “the film is an intimate summary of his life, learning, and awareness, and is ultimately a poetic meditation on life, death, and the soul’s journey home”. 

Why not, I thought and pressed play with my dog curled up next to me. I’m sure Ram Dass has something more to teach me! 

The words “short film about being” flashed on the screen, and I knew why I turned on the tv today. 

As much as this past three weeks has been healing for me, I have an underlying feeling of guilt that I am just “wasting” this time. That I should be doing more— even though I deeply need to rest. I have guilt for taking so much time off work to just rest.

I am still years into untangling my worthiness from what I do and what I give that it still makes me uncomfortable to just be— even when recovering from surgery. 

The part where Ram Dass says “The stroke pushed me inside even more...and it's so wonderful. I don't wish you the stroke, but...I wish you the grace from the stroke. My guru told me that the stroke would be grace”, really resonated with me. 

This time of peaceful quiet with myself while I heal is allowing me the grace to revisit the negative core beliefs that are still buried within me. The ones that may take a lifetime to overcome. The ones that still cause the most pain. The ones that bring guilt when I rest and make me uncomfortable to ask for help.

But what a beautiful gift grace is. 

I finished the documentary, turned off the tv, and curled up with my dogs in front of the fire for the rest of the day.