Five Things I Stopped Doing That Improved My Life

1. Trying to Change Others

When we try to change someone else, we are telling them there is something “wrong” with them. We are telling them they are not enough as they are. But is there really something “wrong” with them when we are asking for them to change based on our own perception, beliefs, values, insecurities, past traumas, limited understanding, and our unique life experiences which may be completely different than what theirs was? What if we are all perfect exactly as we are? Trying to change another person is a form of manipulation in order to suit our own unmet needs, whether it’s because we are looking for external happiness or because we are escaping feelings of uncomfortableness. When we try and change others, we take away their own learning experiences and place limits on their growth. Instead, we can trust that we all are exactly where we need to be on our own individual journeys together. It is empowering when we are able to let go of this and put that energy towards changing ourselves for the better instead. We can pour that energy into our own self healing and awareness and learn to love others and ourselves as we perfectly are. 

2. People Pleasing

I still struggle with this a lot. I betrayed myself for years by putting other people’s needs and feelings before mine- sometimes even when it hurt. For me, it comes from feeling that I was not being seen or heard and feelings of unworthiness I internalized following various emotional traumas throughout my life. I had become to believe, as my trauma response, that in order to be loved, it had to be earned. So sometimes I have a hard time telling someone no, expressing my feelings, and putting myself first because I need to feel loved.   But with learning radical self love and becoming aware of my trauma responses I am slowly recovering from betraying myself in order to receive external love. I am learning that I am lovable as I am and that love doesn’t have to be earned.

3. Living in the Past or Future

All that we have is right now. What happened in the past is just that, the past. We can not control what will happen in the future. One of my favorite quotes from Lao Tzu, founder of Taoism, says "If you are depressed, you are living in the past. If you are anxious, you are living in the future. If you are at peace, you are living in the moment." This quote couldn’t be more true for me and being mindful of it has changed how I feel for the better.  

4. Negative Self Talk

Your words are energy. If you know anything about Dr. Emoto’s “controversial” work with water molecules then you already know the profound impact negative talk, even just negative intentions, can have on water molecules. What he found was when he would say positive words like truth or love the water molecules would shape into pretty shapes and when he said negative words like evil or you’re a fool, the water molecules would be misshaped and ugly. Negative self talk is linked to depression, increased stress, demotivation, limited thinking, perfectionism, and relationship issues. It can be very damaging. So how do you stop it? The first step is acknowledging it. Being aware of your own negative self talk is the most important step to transmuting it into neutral or even positive self talk. Once you are aware of it, remember it’s just a thought- and you are not your thoughts. You are the observer of your thoughts. You can also give your negative self talk a silly name- this further separates it from you and allows you to not agree with something that isn’t you. Lastly, you can flip the script- when you become aware of negative self talk- reverse it. Instead of allowing it to tell you how ugly you are, allow it to tell you how beautiful you are. With practice, it becomes easier. (See Dr. Emoto’s book on his water molecule study here) https://www.amazon.com/Hidden-Messages-Water-Masaru-Emoto/dp/0743289803/ref=nodl_

5. Not Creating Healthy Boundaries

I didn’t even know what a healthy boundary was until I started this work. I believed I should always be there for someone, even when I didn’t want to. I believed sacrificing my own happiness, time, energy for others was what a “good” person did. I believed I shouldn’t tell someone no when they asked me for help because friendly people help other people even when they really didn’t want to. So I sacrificed so much of myself for so many years because I just couldn’t say no. I felt selfish and guilty saying no, so it was just easier to say yes. That was until I had nothing more to give. What I didn’t realize was I was depleting my own energy to the point of feeling extreme resentment, anger, sadness, and self depreciation. It just wasn’t working for me anymore. I had become an extension of everyone else and lost touch with my true self. Once I was able to tackle my own fear head on while in recovery for my broken ankle, I realized I shouldn’t be afraid to say no anymore. I needed to put myself first and understood that there would be people in my life that would fall away and I was ok with that. I also came to learn that my lack of boundaries and not being able to say no was also my way of manipulating those I was helping. I wanted them to like me- to see me as a nice person. I was needing a response from them that I was nice, friendly, helpful but at the same time was not being authentic. Once I realized this, and how it stems from my own conditioning, and chose to live more authentically, saying no became much easier and the feelings of guilt became less. It’s definitely still a work in progress for me, but now I only say yes to things I truly enjoy doing- things that are in alignment with my higher self.