Rough Couple Weeks

 I hardly slept last night and I’m wide awake at 5:20am with itchy writing fingers and a whole lot of trapped emotional energy I need to release. The last couple weeks have been somewhat of a struggle for me. It feels so good just to write that down- the last couple weeks have been a real struggle for me. I had been overwhelmed with all the projects I had going on, and their looming deadlines, and was barely keeping up with what I needed to get completed. I pride myself on being a master time manager, but with everything I needed to get done, even my planning skills weren’t working and I was barely making it all happen. My “self care” routine that is so important to me pretty much went out the window and I wasn’t taking my own advice. Then something unexpected happened. 

I lost my dear Aunt Terrie suddenly to cancer she had been secretly fighting for some time. She chose, and I honor her decision, to fight that battle alone and to die alone, not letting us know how serious it was. I didn’t get to say goodbye while she was still here, but I can find comfort that she has been reunited with her husband and my amazing Grandpa and Grandma on the other side. I get glimpses of her smiling face with them now and know she is happy and where she wanted to be for a long time. She has finally found joy and peace and knows how much we all love her.

Death has always been a hard thing for me to process. I remember whenever we lost a pet when I was growing up it was the end of the world for me. I just didn’t have the tools or knowledge how to manage that sadness, loss, and grief. That lack of tools and knowledge followed me into my adulthood, and when I lost all of my grandparents I chose to stay far away from any of that sadness and grief. I never attended any of their funerals and still haven’t visited their grave sites. I’m tearing up now feeling a little of that residual guilt buried deep inside me that I still carry around with me- I want to let that guilt go but part of me can’t just yet. 

When my friend Tim passed suddenly and tragically just over four years ago it was unbelievable and gut wrenching but I learned so much with his passing on how to process death. He has truly been my greatest teacher with this- even though he isn’t “here” anymore. He has taught me that death isn’t the end, it’s just a new beautiful beginning. He has taught me that although he isn’t here, and I can’t physically hug him anymore, he is never far away and he is always watching over us, especially his girlfriend Bri. He has taught me we are all just fractals of light and pure love and that we just forget that while we are temporarily here on earth playing these roles we have chosen. He has taught me the importance of rainbows and to live life to the fullest everyday, and make sure to let everyone you love know you love them often. I know how much Tim loved Tony & I and all of the people he cared about in his life. I know that he has also found his joy and peace on the other side and that I will get to hug him again when my time here is up. 

Because of Tim, I can now look at these painful experiences as a gift instead of a burden. When we lose a loved one, it causes us to look at our own mortality and it gives us a renewed view on life and deep meaning. It reminds us what our gifts and purpose are and how much strength and resilience we have. Death also shows us we are emotional beings and unites us with those emotions- because we all feel the same sadness and grief when a loved one leaves us. It shows us it’s ok to take time to grieve and heal.

So I put on my trail runners and did what always fills me back up when I’ve been depleted- take a magical sunrise hike with my dogs knowing that my aunt, my grandparents, and Tim will all be with me smiling in the first sun rays of the day. The stuff I have on my plate will get done- and it will be amazing, but only after I take care of me first.