Hot Yoga and a Good Cry

 

I never thought I would ever be saying this- but I kind of hated this morning’s hot yoga class- until I started crying. 

I admit, I woke up at 5:31am still tired and wanting to climb back under my blanket and go back to sleep, but I have never regretted going to hot yoga, so I put on my clothes, brushed my teeth, slid my feet into my rubber Birkenstock’s, grabbed my towel and cork mat and headed to the studio. After checking in, I laid down on my back on my mat, my eyes still heavy and tired. It felt hotter than normal, even though it was only 100°, and I still wondered if I should have stayed in bed. The teacher started the class with some cat/cows and I started to feel a bit better. We moved into some harder vinyasa’s with a ton of “yoga push ups” and then into side crow and I instantly felt defeated. 

I am still building strength and flexibility back in my shoulders after tearing both of my AC joints over three years ago so I had to sit out most of the push ups and the side crow or risk injuring myself again. Just me sitting on my mat in the middle of class while everyone else at least tried. 

I modified as much as possible, but after that I couldn’t get out of my own head. My ego was telling me that it’s too hard to start completely at the beginning of something that I used to be able to do with ease and without pain. My ego wanted to remind me that I should be able to do the same as everyone else in class and that I was failing at it. My ego told me I should never be in this class and I didn’t belong there. I believed my ego for a minute but luckily, because of all my practice, I have learned to be aware of my ego and that hurtful inner voice. 

I have never actually cried in a yoga class, and I have practiced yoga for years prior to my shoulder injuries, until this morning. I felt so peacefully connected to my higher self and hyper aware of my ego and that hurtful inner voice that are not me. I was able to offer myself kindness and compassion for where I’m at with my yoga practice instead of harsh criticism. All of the inner work that I have been practicing and sharing on this journey is healing me. That awareness was so beautiful for me to witness and tears streamed down my face washing off the well earned sweat from the class. Any critical feelings I had felt earlier in the class turned to gratitude. 

I can’t wait to go back to the next hot yoga class and modify my poses, sit out for crow, and allow myself to start from the beginning again with no expectations. Yoga healed my body once before and it will heal my body again and I am ok with it taking as long as it needs.