Shame.

Shame has been showing up strong in me lately. I have always been my own biggest critic, my own inner tough judge but the past few weeks have been kind of intense. I guess I could blame some of it on the current position of Venus and Mars in my natal chart (thank you Shanna for my astrology reading) but that doesn’t really tell all of the story. Some of it might be that I was falling back into old unconscious patterns that I let back in unintentionally. Some of it may be the lack of compassion I have for myself when those feelings of shame pop up. Some of it may have been from not allowing myself to be vulnerable and reach out for support when I needed it. 

It’s never usually just one thing. The layers of our emotional health run deep and can be so rigid. 

Much of my healing journey has been discovering and releasing the unhealthy things I have learned to do to protect myself. The things I thought I had to do to “earn” love from others. The things I do to avoid feeling uncomfortable or having overwhelming emotions like anger or sadness. The things I do to feel safe and make me feel like I am a “good” person. 

Things like:

People Pleasing

Perfectionism

Lack of Boundaries

Denying my Needs

Unrealistic Expectations of Self

Playing Small

Staying Quiet

Things that feed shame like gas on a flame. 

What I have learned, and am still learning every single day, is that healing is a forever process. There isn’t going to be a day where I am healed and that journey ends. It is a commitment to show up and have compassion for myself every single day even when I fall back a few steps. It’s committing to radical self love and being vulnerable even when I want to hide under the covers. It’s reaching out for support when I need it even if I feel vulnerable doing so. 

I do understand I cannot become a better version of myself without all of this. I am grateful for it because it shows me what I need to heal. This is what growth looks like- in all of its beautiful yet painful triumphs. This is what guides me right back to radical self love and expanded awareness. Self love is the root of all healing and is the exact opposite of shame. 

Today I reached out to a friend that showed me the compassion I was missing for myself and she helped me immensely. As strong as I am, I need help sometimes. I also signed up for the Hiking My Feelings Blaze Your Own Trail to Self Love’s 12 week program that starts this Sunday. I am sharing here, writing is my outlet, and allowing myself to be vulnerable- telling my story and wrapping my own words around my shame.