Walking and That Same Old Ghost of a Memory
I was doing some laundry tonight and out of the blue I decided to take a step without my crutches just to see what would happen. I didn't fall. So I decided to see how many more steps I could take. I ended up limping about 30 feet before it became too painful to go any further. Flabbergasted. Emotional. Joyful. Scared.
There have been so many aspects to my story so far. Pain, guilt, emotional anguish, physical degradation, life lessons, disappointments, fear, and sadness. With each little step I took, I felt so much of what I have been through disappear. It was a very emotional 30 feet. Although it was quite a relief, for some reason it has brought back some fear into my mind.
It seems that ghost of a memory of the sound of my ankle breaking, the pain and fear of laying in the dirt waiting for help, the pain of the doctor "setting" my bones, waking up from surgery screaming in pain is haunting me and keeping me from falling asleep tonight. It's sad that while I should be experiencing happiness I'm experiencing some fear. I'm fearful of going through this nightmare again. With each step closer to being normal again, is a step closer to putting myself in the position to break my ankle again or so my warped mind is thinking.
I'm sure this is related to the emotions I felt tonight walking and will pass. With each step I'll get stronger and stronger and that will hopefully make that ghost of a memory weaker and weaker.
There have been so many aspects to my story so far. Pain, guilt, emotional anguish, physical degradation, life lessons, disappointments, fear, and sadness. With each little step I took, I felt so much of what I have been through disappear. It was a very emotional 30 feet. Although it was quite a relief, for some reason it has brought back some fear into my mind.
It seems that ghost of a memory of the sound of my ankle breaking, the pain and fear of laying in the dirt waiting for help, the pain of the doctor "setting" my bones, waking up from surgery screaming in pain is haunting me and keeping me from falling asleep tonight. It's sad that while I should be experiencing happiness I'm experiencing some fear. I'm fearful of going through this nightmare again. With each step closer to being normal again, is a step closer to putting myself in the position to break my ankle again or so my warped mind is thinking.
I'm sure this is related to the emotions I felt tonight walking and will pass. With each step I'll get stronger and stronger and that will hopefully make that ghost of a memory weaker and weaker.
The unknown is the most scary, the stronger you get with your PT and add steps under you the ghost memory will fade.. You are doing great!
ReplyDeleteI have this same fear. I look at every situation as a "what could go wrong, and what could I break?". That fear is a killer.
ReplyDeleteI do have to say my fear has gotten much better the stronger I get. There's probably always going to be a little bit there deep down but it's better!
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