Fear and Failure
I feel like somewhat of a failure. It seems while my ankle is healing, my mind is still in a state of unrest. I don't know what it is with fear but it always finds ways to creep back into my life. Why I can't control that makes the perfectionist in me feel as if I've failed even though I know it's nothing I can control and I must heal to get rid of it.
I've made a decision to drastically tackle fear in a way I have never tried. I'm tired of feeling fear. I'm tired of feeling like a failure. I have decided to start EMDR therapy in hopes of recovering from all of the traumas (not just my ankle accident) "stuck" in my nervous system. Here is a brief description of what EMDR therapy is:
I've made a decision to drastically tackle fear in a way I have never tried. I'm tired of feeling fear. I'm tired of feeling like a failure. I have decided to start EMDR therapy in hopes of recovering from all of the traumas (not just my ankle accident) "stuck" in my nervous system. Here is a brief description of what EMDR therapy is:
EMDR (Eye Movement Desensitization and Reprocessing) is an advanced psychotherapy model that combines psychology with physiology in a way that allows a person to identify and “clear” past traumatic events. These events can be as seemingly insignificant as a negative comment from a parent during childhood, or as catastrophic as a life-threatening event. Often undetected, we are blind to the fact that they are having an effect on our daily lives.
How does EMDR work? Each of us has 2 different memory networks: adaptive and non-adaptive. Adaptive memories are needed to react to current circumstances; for example, you see a car speeding toward you and your body automatically reacts to the fear of being hit. When the accident is over, these memories should get stored away into your non-adaptive memory. A problem occurs when a memory gets stuck, or frozen, in our adaptive memory, causing us to have responses that are no longer fitting to the situation. The simple act of driving shouldn’t produce the same fear and anxiety as that experienced during an actual accident. Instead of reacting to only the current event (driving), our bodies react to the current event plus all the similar or related events from the past (a previous accident).
It is successfully used to treat severe cases of PTSD and major traumas so I'm hopeful it will help me release all of the traumas I am holding onto. I've already had two sessions and can't even describe the feelings, both physical and emotional, that came up when revisiting a childhood horse accident. It's amazing how much you forget about something that obviously has an impact on your life some 33 years later.
While we've only worked on two horse related incidents, one accident at five years old, and one at twelve years old, so far it seems to be working. I am however, preparing myself for the day we work on my ankle accident. It's going to be very hard, very emotional, and probably very scary. But I am so ready to face it and do whatever it takes to just be ok with what happened and not let it control my fear anymore.
It is successfully used to treat severe cases of PTSD and major traumas so I'm hopeful it will help me release all of the traumas I am holding onto. I've already had two sessions and can't even describe the feelings, both physical and emotional, that came up when revisiting a childhood horse accident. It's amazing how much you forget about something that obviously has an impact on your life some 33 years later.
While we've only worked on two horse related incidents, one accident at five years old, and one at twelve years old, so far it seems to be working. I am however, preparing myself for the day we work on my ankle accident. It's going to be very hard, very emotional, and probably very scary. But I am so ready to face it and do whatever it takes to just be ok with what happened and not let it control my fear anymore.
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